This most unusual date in the Jewish calendar brings into focus Judaism’s attitude to marriage and sexual relationships. Judaism Reclaimed draws upon and develops the understanding that the Torah does not typically seek to deny its adherents involvement in the physical world. Rather it attempts to channel such activity so as to elevate people intellectually, morally and spiritually.
A notable example of this is food. The Torah does not seek to outlaw gastronomical pleasures. Rather it operates to curb excesses; prohibiting certain combinations of foods and legislating ritual slaughter and a ban on eating from live animals in order to prevent avoidable suffering. Keeping a kosher kitchen often requires one to master and apply intricate halachic details such as those involving different forms of combinations and nullifications of meat and milk. Avot teaches further regarding mealtimes that “where three people ate together at the same table but no Torah is spoken between them, it is as if they partook of an idolatrous sacrifice”. The process of eating – which seemingly relates to the more animalistic side of human conduct – is thus morally, intellectually and spiritually elevated through halachic guidance.
Similarly, with regard to sexual activity, the Torah does not seek to restrict all involvement in the physical world. Rather, it seeks to channel such activity in a manner that minimises its ability to influence the mind towards viewing sex from a purely self-centred perspective. This is why Jewish law promotes sexual intercourse only within the strict confines of marriage – a meaningful relationship based on mutual love and respect. In the context of a relationship of this nature, which is predicated on giving rather than taking, an activity which could otherwise embody the most extreme form of self-gratification and even exploitation now becomes an opportunity to superimpose a higher set of values upon the person’s inherently selfish focus.
The notion that sexuality can be profoundly transformed and elevated when placed in the context of marriage is developed by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, who writes:
“If you should inquire as to the essence and meaning of the institution of marriage, I would say that through marriage the miraculous transition from the I-it contact to the I-you relationship occurs. Marriage personalizes sexuality as the joint experience of the I and the you.”
This theme is further explored by Rabbi Shagar in his essay “Love, Romance and Covenant”, where he concludes that “The chaos of sexuality, which first appears as the antithesis of marriage, as something to be suppressed by marriage, is ultimately synthesised with it, raising it up so that the relationship becomes an intimate partnership of body and soul”.
The Mishnah in Ta’anit which details the Tu Be’Av customs can be seen to contain strong indications of the role of marriage in transforming and elevating sexuality.
There were no days of joy in Israel greater than the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur. On these days the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in borrowed white garments in order not to shame anyone who had none...The daughters of Jerusalem came out and dance in the vineyards. What would they say? Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself. Do not set your eyes on beauty but set your eyes on the family. “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised”
Having associated the vineyard dancing of young maidens with the holiness and purity of Yom Kippur, the Mishnah describes how the focus of matchmaking is not the vanity of lustful beauty but rather on fear of Heaven and the sacred task of raising a family based on Jewish values and teachings.
A somewhat different Valentine’s Day.
First posted to Facebook 11 August 2022, here.
